I know I said I was going to write about nicknames, and I will. But another aspect of Dad’s vernacular has occurred to me over the past few days, and I want to write these expressions down before I forget them. Yes, my memory stinks, and I’m not disciplined about jotting stuff down when it comes to mind. I can think of at least three figures of speech that Dad uses, none of which I’ve ever heard uttered by anyone else, that have to do with tools and/or machining. Not surprising, given that one of Dad’s first jobs was as a welder in a boiler factory. His father taught machining and industrial arts and was a master toolmaker, so Dad learned a lot of these skills at his father’s knee. However, when Dad told his father that he wanted to be a machinist, Grandpa discouraged him in no uncertain terms. Why did he want to sentence himself to working for lousy wages at a job where he’d always have to answer to the boss, his hands would always be dirty and he’d be surrounded by men that had nothing more to look forward to in life than drinking beer at the bar at the end of a long, dirty day of work? Deflated by this characterization of his dream and probably a little pissed off at his dad, even though he knew he was right, my dad decided to become a dentist, an honest enough trade at which he could ply his talented hands, make a good living and live up to his father’s hopes for him. That all worked out pretty well for Dad, and in later years he often remarked about how smart his old man had been. What goes around comes around. Anyway, back to these turns of phrase I was mentioning, all of which are truly inspiring insults to be applied at the appropriate moment to the appropriate subject.
1. He’s so dumb, if you ran a bit through his head, you’d get dry shavings the whole way.
2. He’s so dumb, he doesn’t know if his asshole is punched or bored.
3. He’s a 17-jeweled horse’s ass, with holes drilled for more.
Post more of these if you’ve got them!